(35) Tugging

The emptiness swirled around me in a fog. What could I do? What could I say? What was going to happen?
My thoughts drifted along as gently as the balloon. I was too crushed to be passionate. Too beaten down to feel. Too introspective to notice the tugging on my heart and on the net of the balloon. I must be snagged on a tree, some part of my brain registered this information. I tucked it away in the corner of my mind that meant nothing. Nothing meant anything anymore. Not then, not ever.

I stared off at the three stars and felt a ringing in my ears. A panic attack was surging, I let it roll over me like the waves of the ocean. I couldn't even hear the wind over the ringing in my ears, but I didn't care.

I have no idea how long this went on, but I retreated into my mind. I imagined John was with me, alive. He was holding me close and stroking my hair while silent tears trickled down my cheeks. I clung to the vision that felt so real. So real I thought I would burst with longing. I wound my hands in his hair and pressed my face against his. This loss, this darkness, this delusion, I had to move on. But I felt dead inside. I pulled away. I shifted my weight back. I touched his cheek and whispered, "Goodbye...John."

A puzzled look crossed his face. He cocked his head to the side and said, "What are you talking about Elaine? We are safe..."

I stared at him...could he be real? Could he be alive? Confusion and ecstasy washed through me, I threw my arms around him and held him close! He was alive!! He had somehow survived!! The hole in my heart filled to the bursting point again and I drew back to stare into his lovely face.

"I love you, you big stupid head." I declared, choking back sobs.

He laughed as a tear trialed down his face, and replied, "And I love you, my darling princess."