(26) That Time I Was Awesome [Oh wait...that's everyday]

As Elaine was utterly depressed without me on the lowest level of the capital building, I was unconscious three floors up. I wasn't out for long though.

Hey there, I'm John, the stud you've been reading about. ;)  I've been reading Elaine's blog and decided that this was a good point to tell some of the story from my perspective. Seeing as how a lot of crazy stuff went down when she wasn't around. So, back to the dark hallway.

When I woke up, the lights were all out except for a small pulsating orange light that was shining right in my flippin' eyes. I was chained to a large long chair that reminded me of the dentist. I really hate the dentist, with all his tools and stuff. It freaks me out. I would much rather be on the front lines of a war than see the dentist. Anyway, strapped to this chair I looked around the room and saw that I was surrounded by Beasts.

Noticing I was awake, one of them stepped forward and pulled out a small box covered in buttons and whirring knobs. After fiddling with it, the box spoke in a raspy and metallic voice that sounded like the ancient earth singer Steven Tyler. Man that guy was odd, but his daughter sure turned out pretty, I mean, alright. Elaine is the most beautiful girl in all of space and time. I love you baby. Yeah....the voice said,

"Tell us, John, where are your forces? Where is your military base located?"

"I'm not talking you idiot sons of dirt." I said defiantly. More button pressing,

"Then we will torture it out of you." I looked straight into the eyes of the Beast and asked to see the box. The Beast handed it to me and when he was close enough I knocked my head against his. Stars popped before my eyes and I said,

"Bring it on you piece of dirt!"

I won't gross you out with all the gory details of my gruesome torture. Let's just say I've got a few more battle scars and an irrational fear of turnips. Eventually they threw my body into a room with no windows and told me they'd "be back". Honestly, did they think they were the Terminator or something? I crawled to the wall of the cell and pulled myself up. I moved slowly over to the door and listened intently. Now, they had stripped me of my weapons and my favorite blue coat, but they hadn't searched me carefully enough. I had a secret hiding place (and no, I'm not telling you where it is) for a small but powerful 4000xp blaster gun, limited edition with my name engraved on the handle and a diamond on the top of the barrel. I pulled it out and shot a very small, but very potent close-range blast at the lock on the door. A large hole burst into existence on the door and it swung forward to let me out.

I crept down the hallway and soon came to a door that was open and emitting an orange light. Beasts. I peeked around the corner and saw them sniffing over my coat, trying to get a fix on where I had been so they could work out the location of the base. I charged my 4000xp blaster and suddenly lept in front of the doorway. Four quick shots took out the Beasts. I snatched my coat from their grimy claws, grabbed my bag with all my supplies from the table, and sprinted to the doorway. When I came to the elevator I shot the doors apart. Shooting my grappling gun 360-s against the wall of the elevator shaft I jumped into the darkness. I slid down my rope as fast as possible until I reached the bottom of the shaft. As I stuffed the grappling gun into my bag I blasted open the door to the bottom floor and walked through it slowly for dramatic effect...which was wasted because no one was there.

I walked down the hallway and came to another door. I almost blasted it before I realized I should check the lock. It was locked. I knocked on the door and a voice called out,

"Who goes there?"

What was this? The room for paranoids anonymous?

"I'm John, leader of the army and son of the governors."

Several locks clicked and the door was opened by a receptionist who had seen better days. She smiled at me. I grinned and searched the room till I found them. My parents. They came running over and engulfed me in hugs. I hadn't seen them in forever. I was so glad they were still alive. When we broke apart, they stepped aside as Elaine launched herself at me. I spun her around the room till I got dizzy. She was just as happy to see me as I was to see her. I loved her so much, and yet, I love her even more today.

But you don't want to hear about all this gooey love stuff, you want to hear about the fighting!! Well dear reader, you shall not be disappointed. Next time I shall tell of how I bested the entire Beast force in the capital with a piece of string, two weather balloons, a bar of chocolate, one 4000xp blaster, 25000kg of explosives, and one smokin' hot babe.